When I fell pregnant the second time around, the feeling was oh so different. The first time you are filled with excitement, joy, happiness - you immediately dream of the future; tiny baby snuggles while they sleep peacefully nuzzled into your neck, the slow motion clip of you swinging a giggling toddler up into your arms, visions of watching your child run around a picturesque beach with their Daddy... With your second child you picture your future a bit less blissfully - you imagine a hectic, sleepless night with another child to look after in the morning (probably just as soon as you settle the baby and close your eyes), trying to clean up a poop explosion whilst your current only-child demands yet another drink, screaming at two kids who run off in opposite directions whilst you dart around in a crowded supermarket with a toy car stuck in your hair and slippers on your feet... yes the lovely images of curling up on the couch for a movie night with one child under each arm come to mind too - but only after the chaos.
The difference between the two visions is the first time around you don't realise the full extent of parenting - you feel like you'll just have it all handled. This lovely, natural motherly instinct will kick-in and you'll be rocking the Mum Look with that fantastic £20 concealer you buy every month. (Ha!) But with your second, you know what you're letting yourself in for. Such little sleep that sometimes makes you feel like you are going out of your mind, more dirty nappies than you could ever imagine, puke, poop, screaming matches at 4am, so many dinners cooked and not eaten, lovely family days-out planned that ended in early departure with a red face due to a tantruming toddler. All traces of spontaneity lost, and that £20 concealer made a lovely painting in the hall. But having your second child really isn't like those nightmares you imagined, to be perfectly honest I've had much more happy moments in these second-time newborn days than I did the first time around, and I'll tell you why...
1. You Know What To Expect
The first time around you were so clueless, not knowing what lay ahead in your parenting journey. This time around you know you will be awake more during the night than you are during the day sometimes, you know there's no such thing as picking your baby up too much. You are aware of the ins & outs of vaccinations, their first viral infection; all the scary bad stuff you feared before now isn't as frightening. Past experience has taught you it's not all sunshine and butterflies, but you also know just how wonderful all of those good moments really are.
You know what lays ahead with your postpartum body; flabby tum, painful nipples, blood - oh so much blood, and those crazy hormones raging through your body that make you cry for absolutely no reason at all. Most of all, you now know that all of this is okay, it's all going to be just fine. Lack of sleep, feeling helpless, so much self-doubt yet here you are ready to do it all over again because you know just how worth it it all really is. You bounce back so much quicker after your second labour. The afterpains are much, much worse - but you know ways to combat these and keep going. It's all normal, and it'll all be over soon.
2. Your First Born Will Be A Huge Help
Sure, they still need you to do many things for them and you'll need to find ways to split your time and attention between your children but if you involve them in the duties of taking care of their new sibling it teaches them some great new independent skills. Just seeing how much my eldest child has learned through helping me with the newest addition is amazing. He will now fetch himself a drink from the fridge if I am busy, get himself washed and dressed without too much help and has become more aware of other people's needs, not just his own. It is such a huge help having their little hands nearby to fetch some wipes when an unexpected poop explosion occurs, a clean towel when baby has thrown up all over you, someone to sit and coo at the baby and keep them happy for a precious minute or two while you try to throw some dinner in the oven or flick the kettle on.
You'll also find they are a big uplift to your mental health and emotional state. Nothing encourages you hold it together more than a small child watching your every move, picking up on every emotion you feel. Additionally, it's so much less lonely having your eldest sidekick with you every step of the way, even occasionally at 2am (yawn).
3. Moments Alone with Your Child Mean So Much More
Now when you catch some time alone with your eldest child, from simply reading a story quietly together to a full day-out to the cinema or running around the park, each moment you spend together means so much more to you both. The chance to have one-on-one time lessens but the quality of it dramatically improves. You seem to appreciate these times more now so you actually say "in 5 minutes!" (repeatedly until they forget) a lot less than before, certainly a lot less than I expected to have to. Time alone with the baby is so blissful now as well, whereas being left alone with your eldest as a tiny baby was more daunting than anything else. You appreciate those quiet snuggles, that undivided attention, just spending time staring at your second little miracle.
4. Your Self-Confidence Changes
With my first, I doubted every little thing I done. I would panic when left alone with this little baby - was I doing the right thing? What if what I was doing was all wrong? Can I do this?! This time around, I know it's perfectly okay to wing it. Just totally wing it. You'll get there. You now know there's really not that much that you can get so drastically wrong, and the times you do the Mum Guilt will only eat at you for a little while, until you're busy moving onto another new task. You are so much more confident in the choices you make for your second baby than you were before, You trust in your instincts and abilities much more. You know that you know what to do, and you are a Supermum. You CAN do this!
5. You Know What Matters
All those things you would fret about as a brand new Mum have all disappeared. Your appearance, your home's appearance, making sure baby visits all family members at least once a week. Getting out the house to all these groups; baby yoga, painting classes, sensory class, baby massage, sock puppets & nursery rhymes (eh?)... All of these things are fine if you want to do them, but they aren't a necessity. Visitors to your second child are a lot less, no one is as interested when it's your second offspring. Don't go out your way to make people see your child, they don't remember this time anyway. Keep your house in a state that makes you comfortable - if that is spotless then go for it, but know it doesn't have to be that way. Take a break. Also know that it is totally okay to not brush your hair for a few days, some of the best hairstyles are created this way! Time, attention, love, rest, good food, hydration, hygiene but most importantly a happy mum is what matters. Put your energy into loving your kids and your partner but equally loving yourself.
So if you are considering a second child, and aren't sure what to expect, here's some honesty - none of us do! It's a repeat of the early days with your first all over again; you forget as much as you remember, new trials face you daily, your instinct, outlook and experience has totally changed. You won't suddenly know it all, it will be hard, but by goodness it is worth it. All over again.
